something else

Friday, October 26, 2012

Dealing with the Grief

Friday, October 26, 2012 @ 5:22pm


Dealing with the Grief

 
Everything happens for a reason, I need to believe this. When we long for something, work diligently for and finally attain it then have it unexpectedly torn from our clutches, it can be devastating. Even the smallest of things can have a profound emotional impact no matter whether or not it be insignificant and trivial to others. That is the beauty of being an individual, we all see and feel distinctively different and are unique in our own way.
There are things that happen in our life that we are forced to accept, things we reluctantly have to recognize no matter how hard or frustrating they may be. We have to learn to let go of the plights we find unbearable to live with, desperately attempting now and again to unchain the shackles that restrain us and weigh us down. This, often, not an easy task to achieve and occasionally we have to force ourselves to walk away from the situation we cannot better or change, regardless of how hard it may be for us. We learn to accept and acknowledge these tests that are set before us, and we deal with them best we can and in the process, we try to learn as much as we can from them. It can be quite maddening!
I went with my daughter to the hospital the other day. While in the examination room, my optical senses focused upon the small screen monitor that hung from the wall and my audible perceptivity honed in to the galloping sound coming from the fetal heart Doppler positioned on her abdomen. As I stood there, I could not help but feel a variety of emotions run through my whole being. My heart burst with joy and broke all at the same time. There are certain things that are just too difficult to deal with on our own and the death of a child is one of them.
Even if it is “just” a rudiment, I believe most women need a strong and willing support system to get through the emotional pain, and, there is a great deal of concealed pain associated with it as well. With or without that support, we attempt to deal with the loss best we can and carry on. We continue to smile, to laugh, to enjoy things, our days go on. However inside, something dies within us and we cry silently, our spirit crushed.
My daughter will be 17 weeks pregnant Monday, her due date the end of March early April and while we were blessed originally with the news she carried twins, we, rather she, lost one of the babies she carried in her womb. 
As brief a time as she had nurturing that one baby, it has left an imprint on our hearts along with a huge void, and although we weep for what could have been, after all we (most of us) are human, we smile and are joyous for what still is.
 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Twins

Wednesday, October 10, 2012 @ 9:48pm

Twins


"Sometimes when you pray for a miracle, you get two."

I saw this inscription on a wall plaque online and I couldn't resist, so, yep, I threw caution to the wind and ordered it.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Simple Wonders

Friday, October 05, 2012 @ 1:05am

Simple Wonders


What is a miracle?
 
According to the Merriam-Webster’s a miracle is
1. An extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs. 
2. An extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment. 
 
Miracles occur all the time. They arise from and in various means. You seldom have to search too far to witness a miracle, just look around you.
They do not always come wholly from noble and honorable occurrences but can manifest and be marked by way of controversy, complications and obstacles in our lives.
Jean de la Bruyere, a French writer, quoted “Out of difficulties grow miracles.” I suppose it is all in how you perceive things and how you interpret the rhetorical question whether you believe the glass is half empty or half full. An optimist is going to be a lot happier than a pessimist is, not to mention more capable in seeing the diminutive marvels all around us that happen on a daily basis.
The course we take throughout our life changes periodically, in part by the difficulties that befall us. No one person is exclusive to hard times but rather, their enigma unique in his or her own right.
I have sat in uncertainty and tears many a night wondering what good could come out of a debauched or deplorable condition, and in time, occasionally these lamented events give way to welcoming surprises.
I am no stranger to miracles; I have witnessed them my whole life. Some of them less grander or impressive than others, but miracles and extremely memorable nonetheless.
This month has been no exception in regards to fulfilling reveries, and those dreams coming to fruition. My daughter and son-in-law have been trying to conceive now for a while; there have been moments I have sat and cried with her and enveloped her in my arms because no matter what they did or what they tried it was not materializing. I received the most precious gift from her recently, and as I pulled the gift from the bag, she commented, saying, “It’s a belated birthday gift that had been on back-order for some time.” It finally happened, and in March/April of 2013 I will once again become a Mema, of twins no less!
After I realized what I was looking at, I was handed a pack of Doublemint gum. Not comprehending the meaning of it, I opened the pack up and popped a piece in my mouth.
And still, there is one monumental moment I have waited for, seems like forever. One single moment that has filled my heart with unequivocal joy and there are no words that can fully express it. A trifling event to some I am sure, but for me, well, there is no other word to describe it other than, a miracle.
On the 28th of this month, it will be 26 years since I gave birth to my first son. If you are a regular reader in here and even slightly familiar with Asperger’s, you know then of the difficulties and heartaches families endure; the dejection they tolerate and despondencies they bear. His older sister pulled me aside the other night, a smile as wide as the Grand Canyon on her face and she told me when she was leaving, he acknowledged her departure and kissed her goodbye. That alone is groundbreaking, but what made my heart sing and caused me to snivel for days afterward and still, were four simple words he articulated to me. “I love you, mom.” Words I waited almost 26 years to hear.
To most, these things may not be such a big deal, but to us, they are our simple wonders. They are, our miracles.