Christmas Memories

Christmas has always been a wistful and lugubrious holiday for me.  From a very young age I've been able to sense and feel the sadness and pain in others and I think that has contributed to it.  So many people hurt especially during the holiday seasons and I pick up on that which instinctively causes a deep, for lack of a better word, depression within me. I've learned to try to suppress that and surround myself with positive, happy energy rather than negative but sometimes that is impossible and so, I search out solitude to ground me.

Cruz reaching for the orb no one saw

Last Christmas I wasn't up to par to set up and trim my memory tree.  As a matter of fact, I didn't do any of the decorating last year because of illness nor did I don the Santa suit on Christmas Eve at the family celebration either.

 

The ornaments that adorn my remembrance tree represent a loved one who is no longer here. I put it up this year and as I placed each memorial ornament on its boughs I paused for a moment to remember them. It seems to be filling faster with each passing year.
I make each ornament myself. In the picture above, my daughter's tree is in front of it filled with her ornaments she receives each year, a tradition my older daughter started with her years ago. And at my families Christmas gathering I even donned the red suit like I had so many years in the past.





For the last few years Kenna has been questioning the existence of Santa Clause.


Eve the  elf made an appearance





It's been a difficult task, It's been harder and harder each year to continue the façade and keep the magic present. I even pulled out the old Elf on the Shelf and bought an elf ornament, adding a message on the back of it for her.

I encouraged her to write a letter to that Jolly Ol' man and she did.




Cruz not happy wearing the antlers


I suppose it has helped I keep reiterating to her
"You don't believe, you don't receive." And although two of the things on her wish list will take time to tell if they come to fruition, she did get the other two items and Santa even answered her questions. (Best I could)



I so dislike the fact she will one day tell me I'm full of reindeer poop and the magic of believing in an benevolent figure will be gone. And although she knows the true meaning of Christmas, isn't there something innocent and heartwarming to have your child wake Christmas morn with that gleaming sparkle in her eye thinking Saint Nick visited the night before?






This Christmas, I have had so much to be thankful for.  My health issues are currently being managed successfully and the biopsy I had to have last month came back as being benign, a far cry from where I was last year at this time.  But the most precious gift I cherish with all my heart, is a baby boy I affectionately call Bean.

Wrapped Up in Thoughts

 

I sat at the kitchen table yesterday afternoon looking out upon the vast emptiness of the field behind our home, I often do this when there is a lot on my mind. I had finished feeding the baby his lunch a half hour or so earlier and he was restless yet tired. His morning nap was a short intermission from his otherwise bustling self. He lounged comfortably on my lap off and on while I gazed outward through the dank glass door, him occasionally reaching up with his tiny perfect hand to touch my face. His tender caress on my skin soothing and I could sense his inquisitiveness.  He has been very clingy lately and is not happy unless he is being held, so I hold him, I rock and sing to him.  He actually does not mind my singing but rather enjoys it, I give him another four months before he takes cover and runs from my vocal warbling.  A light flurry of snow began to fall and it was magical. I am so looking forward to Christmas morning this year, whether it's due to this small babe who eventually found repose in my arms, his slumber there within them comforting to me or due to other reasons. I look at him and Mikenna and I see love, I see all that is good and I rejoice in the small miracles and celebrate the life we have.   

Short and sweet

This entry no doubt will be short seeing there is fewer hours in the day for me to sit down and write.  I suppose it's a good thing my other blogs all have draft posts sitting in the "waiting to be published" section that just need tweaking here and there for the most part.

I have been watching my grandson Cruz everyday since my daughter went back to work a couple weeks ago. I had forgotten how draining it is to be at the beck and call of an infant.  My daughter called me Friday morning telling me she wasn't going to drop him off because when she changed his diaper at his late night feeding and then again that morning she noticed a tinge of blood in it. We spent the day at the doctor's.  It wasn't until she was told he'd need a catheter and it might be something internal that it hit her hard.

He lays here next to me and I can't help but marvel at this blessing and although I may be a little partial, his comeliness is breathtaking.  I find myself at times watching him as he sleeps taking in all the wonders of this tiny human being.  This small, sweet innocent child who smiles at me every morning when I say "Good morning Bean" holds my heart in every beaming grin, grimacing frown and pouting lip.

Love At First Sight

 

 

  


 Mouse meeting her nephew for the first time.

 

 

 

And, even though her brother said he didn't want to go over to his sister's house with us to meet the new addition to our family, he couldn't resist.

 

 

   

Anticipation

We had my daughter's baby shower last month.  What a project it was to pull off alone not to mention a little costly.  It was a bit stressful for me, me being obsessive as to everything having to be perfect, and, that anal retentiveness at times seems to always drain me. It even upsets my children at times to watch me knock myself out over trying to have things just right.
But I did it and it was well worth the time and effort especially after seeing everyone enjoy themselves, but especially my daughter, it getting her mind off the stresses she's been enduring throughout her pregnancy and for a few hours she seemed relaxed.

I seldom ask people for help so when my niece asked to go with me to check out venues when I embarked on this venture, I took her up on her offer. She witnessed firsthand how picky I can be. I swear we must've checked out over 10 banquet halls and restaurants.  And although I chose the more costly restaurant which I opted for the sit down meal versus a buffet (hearing buffet evokes the phrase sneeze-food in my mind) it was worth the extra cost for the simple reason the restaurant I chose was very accommodating when it came to time restrictions. There were none and we were not rushed to get through the party.  All the other venues we looked at were either too small for our party size, not private or had extra hidden costs and all of them had those time limits as to when we had to be out. 

Mouse took it upon herself with the help of her father (his wallet to be specific) to search the internet and order a special t-shirt for the occasion without me or anyone else knowing.  At the shower she slipped it on over her dress after her sister arrived.  It was quite a cute idea and she even came up with the printed saying on it. (Photo of her t-shirt above) And how true it is.

I sit here bedside next to my daughter at the hospital and I wait with anticipation for the arrival of my grandson. By tomorrow Cruz Edward (DE3) will be in my arms.

Sent from my Wireless Phone