Christmas has always been a wistful and lugubrious holiday for me. From a very young age I've been able to sense and feel the sadness and pain in others and I think that has contributed to it. So many people hurt especially during the holiday seasons and I pick up on that which instinctively causes a deep, for lack of a better word, depression within me. I've learned to try to suppress that and surround myself with positive, happy energy rather than negative but sometimes that is impossible and so, I search out solitude to ground me.
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| Cruz reaching for the orb no one saw |
Last Christmas I wasn't up to par to set up and trim my memory tree. As a matter of fact, I didn't do any of the decorating last year because of illness nor did I don the Santa suit on Christmas Eve at the family celebration either.
The ornaments that adorn my remembrance tree represent a loved one who is no longer here. I put it up this year and as I placed each memorial ornament on its boughs I paused for a moment to remember them. It seems to be filling faster with each passing year.
I make each ornament myself. In the picture above, my daughter's tree is in front of it filled with her ornaments she receives each year, a tradition my older daughter started with her years ago. And at my families Christmas gathering I even donned the red suit like I had so many years in the past. 
For the last few years Kenna has been questioning the existence of Santa Clause.
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| Eve the elf made an appearance |
It's been a difficult task, It's been harder and harder each year to continue the façade and keep the magic present. I even pulled out the old Elf on the Shelf and bought an elf ornament, adding a message on the back of it for her. I encouraged her to write a letter to that Jolly Ol' man and she did.
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| Cruz not happy wearing the antlers |
I suppose it has helped I keep reiterating to her
"You don't believe, you don't receive." And although two of the things on her wish list will take time to tell if they come to fruition, she did get the other two items and Santa even answered her questions. (Best I could)
I so dislike the fact she will one day tell me I'm full of reindeer poop and the magic of believing in an benevolent figure will be gone. And although she knows the true meaning of Christmas, isn't there something innocent and heartwarming to have your child wake Christmas morn with that gleaming sparkle in her eye thinking Saint Nick visited the night before?
This Christmas, I have had so much to be thankful for. My health issues are currently being managed successfully and the biopsy I had to have last month came back as being benign, a far cry from where I was last year at this time. But the most precious gift I cherish with all my heart, is a baby boy I affectionately call Bean.
